Choices..!!

The idea of love is very rosy but be very assertive about your self-respect and dignity. Do not ever allow yourself to be shattered just because you are in love. If there is no mutual affection and respect in a relationship then it would never thrive. Everything else fades away with time. Adjusting, compromising with yourself on various grounds in hope of a blissful haven is foolish. Unconditional love is a silly thought. There is no such thing. Every act of love seeks something in return and if one doesn’t love oneself one can’t expect love from others. What you give to others is never enough and is often thrown back at you as an object that supposedly smothered them. Never give away all of yourself to anyone. Never.

Mistakes/failures are always very good teachers. Each failure, each rejection is a stepping stone. They teach you lessons that you need to learn, strengthening and resurrecting you in the process. It makes you reach inside and know yourself better. No school or college can teach you what life does.

It is the real strength and power of being a human to accept your brokenness, to put it all back together. To fill the cracks with gold of love and make it worth remembering. Cracks are the wounds indicating you have suffered and have overcome that suffering. Something one should never feel horrified of and recall every moment you cherished with a smile.

Each person and the environment in which he/she lives is different but one thing that runs through every situation is unless the men in your life (father/brother/husband/partner/lover/ son..) are enlightened enough to see you as a human being with a mind of her own who has goals and desires you will always be overpowered and remain unhappy and dissatisfied with yourself and others. To stop that you need to be strong and vocal about what you want from life and take full responsibility for your actions. I realized this very late in life. Many things were out of my control and irreversible by then. Never make this mistake of handing the pen in someone else’s hand. Write your own story.

Women are “natural givers”, this is a concept taught by the patriarchal society. A woman has to think of others before she thinks about herself. ( If at all she dares to think.) We are made to believe that our very existence is for others. A girl is conditioned to this thought since childhood and the society frowns if she resists making her feel guilty and most of us give up on dreams. In each role she plays her glory is in sacrifice.

“Selfish” became my middle name the moment I chose to open myself in front of people whom I called my own. People often say women don’t want to break out of patriarchal mindset as they love to play victims or as an excuse for their life state. The hard path is harder than you think. At different social levels the choices differ and so does the ability to break free. It’s easier said than done.

I have spent two major phases of my life struggling with myself trying to find who I am and where I am headed. Oscillating between what I was and what I had become. First phase was before marriage where I was always a puppet at mercy of someone else's choices & second phase was after marriage when I was the only one to make n go thru all the choices. Both the phases I survived alone. Never thought i will ever enter a third phase. But since I entered one... this third phase (perhaps the last) became the most significant and learning phase of my life. But somewhere lost my cheerful self in all this. I have forgot to laugh, the funniest of jokes don't make me smile now. I LOVED LIFE ...NOW I JUST LIVE....

In solitary hours I stare at the walls. Slowly I felt my energy depleting at all levels. Though I kept myself involved with my office and work at home there was something that was so unfulfilling that it began to agonize me. As they say time will heal, but its not true. Time does not heal anything. Time just watches the drama and laughs at our misery. Time is the devil to whom we have sold our souls. It is the master, we mere slaves. 

Another thing that life revealed in last few years is, It was a choice I made and felt it to be correct at all times. I never imagined things would turn out the way they did. Like I never imagined that the ‘home’ that I always dreamed about can only become a reality only IF I earn. The same way the choices made in this phase of life are only mine. I chose this for myself hence living it. The solitude is a synonym to me, tears have lost respect & all the more I have lost respect for myself. 

I AM HOME TO NONE ..!! Not sure if the term angry tears is at all relatable, but that is all I can feel right now. Abandoned. 

This post is just a rambling to help me.

I am seeking answers everyday as I battle with my fears. Will the patriarchy win? Will I eventually find my space? Will I find the closure? I tell myself I have been there before. I have to end the search for a home for good. I have to find that space where I can be.

I feel scared to take on the world as I did so naturally earlier. It has made me shrink into a non believer in myself. I am not a quitter. I may give in many times but I won’t give up.